I Understand You Mr. Grinch

If there is one thing I’ve always been its emotionally stunted. I hate emotion. I have avoided it with a fiery passion. Just someone looking at me and simple saying “I’m going to miss you while you’re gone” has sent my mind reeling and me quickly changing subjects.
So what happens when someone like me needs to say something but they don’t know how to or do they want to because of the emotion factor?!?!
Well first I hide. Hiding is something I’ve always been good at with my feelings. In fact I even learned how to fake emotion so that I could actually keep my real emotions buried deep.
As I’ve gotten older this has gotten harder. I’ve even found from time to time that I wanted to share but I just didn’t know how to go about it.
Today was one of those days for me where I wanted to say something but I couldn’t. There was just to much emotion involved. I kept it to myself.  But unlike usual I couldn’t bury it. The feelings kept festering right there at the surface trying to come out. Trying to be shared. However I wouldn’t let it because I didn’t want to feel the emotion. I couldn’t deal with it. Just the thought left me feeling lost, useless and even stupid.
So I went about the day trying hard to fight what was wanting to come out.
Finally in the end I lost the battle. I found myself writing out this super long text saying how I was feeling. I was crying and I hated it. It was to real and I don’t like that.  Its to hard. As I pressed send I laid there in bed worried. The person it was going to knew I didn’t do emotion. They knew how it made me feel.
Then my cell went off and I just looked at it. I was afraid to check it. I had put myself out there and I was feeling. I swear I know what the Grinch must of been going through when his little heart started to feel.
Trust me its not one bit pleasant.
As I opened the text I smiled. The person knew I had something bothering me and knew in my own time I would share.
Its hard being the way that I am. I really don’t want to be like this anymore. Its hard though. But I’m trying.


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